People love watching delicious videos about scrumptious meals you can cook at home, but they always turn out horrible. It’s great watching a real chef cook all those lovely recipes and show you a wonderful final product. But every time I do it myself at home, it always looks like it came out of a dumpster.
That’s when I said screw it. I’m tired of wasting time prepping pricey meals that look worse than Michelle Obama’s free school lunch program. I’m skipping the hard work and dedication and going back to making quick meals for cheap.
My budget is $3 per meal and here’s dinner for the next week. This is for you. Not me. I’m not eating any of these horrible food recipes.
Ramen Noodles with Fancy Sauce and Ham
Buy 3 packages of Ramen Noodles and a quarter pound of the cheapest ham you can afford. Then steal several butter packages from the nearest diner and a salt shaker. Cook the noodles. Then stir in the seasoning, salt, butter, and ham. Delicious if you have zero taste buds!
Pancakes with Crazy Sauce
Buy one package of cheap pancake mix and one energy drink. Steal a packet of syrup from the local diner. Cook the pancakes, then stir the syrup into the energy drink. Pour some on the pancakes and slowly sip the rest. It will taste like battery acid on a sponge, but that’s OK. You just ate for under $3 and you’re wide awake for the rest of the day.
Two things off any Dollar Menu
If you’re living large or on a hot date and you can afford to put gas in your car, then this is the meal for you. You can buy two things from any dollar menu and have enough money left over to cover taxes. If you walk around the bushes outside of a fast food place, then you might find a few cents change to bring your budget over three dollars. If you can find enough change to pay for the taxes on three dollar items, then you’re living like a king. The ladies love a rich man, so hunt for coins before you take your one toothed date to the drive through.
6 lbs of Bananas
This magical phallic fruit is $0.49 cents per pound where I live. That’s 2 pounds per dollar, times three dollars, equals 6 pounds of bananas for three dollars! Wow! What a genius. The ladies really love a mathematician who can feed his family. Buy six pounds of bananas and enjoy. As a bonus, there’s enough potassium to prevent you from having one of those horrible charlie horse muscle spasms. You’ll eat healthy and feel great.
Dollar Store Raisin Bran, Milk, and Walmart Brand Laxative
If you’re looking for a quick fill and a way to cleanse your soul and lose weight, then grab a cheap box of raisin bran, a small milk in a cardboard container, and a box of Equate’s Cherry flavored laxative. This isn’t a real diet, but you can still pretend it is. Dump your cereal in the milk container, take a dosage of the laxatives, and enjoy your breakfast. Give it a few moments to kick in. If the effects last all day, then maybe you can ask the liquor store if they have any wine corks. You know where to put it.
Hot Sausage, Cheapo Sauce, and Reject Spaghetti
Living on a budget is tough. Go to the gas station and look for the red hot Firecracker sausages. They’re usually two for $1. Buy two of those, a box of dollar store spaghetti, and dollar store sauce. Heat the sausages on a skillet, microwave, or just breathe on them really hard if you’re a heathen. Cook the spaghetti and sauce as per the directions on the box. Slice up the sausages and mix them into your finely tuned Italian meal. Enjoy!
Hot Dogs with Unlimited Chili and Cheese and a Dollar for the Junkie Outside
If you’ve ever heard of a 7-11 store, then you know they sometimes sell two hot dogs for $2 and you have access to unlimited chili and cheese at that nasty machine that pumps out barely edible toppings. Buy the hot dogs and take them out of the container. Put the hot dogs in your pocket and save them for later. Fill the containers with chili and cheese to eat later. Then take the remaining dollar, or change, and give it to the bum outside. There’s usually a random crackhead outside of the 7-11’s near my neighborhood and it’s better to give them change and hope that they get on a bus and not ever come back. Then wash your hands and eat your hot dogs that are still in your pocket. Hopefully your body heat kept them warm and the sink works at the 7-11. It’s always broken when I go and I like to wash my hands after handing money to a junkie.
You do a good deed and have enough snacks to get you through a few episodes of something on Netflix.
If you’re really considering trying any of these horrible food concoctions, then just remember – you’re on your own and try them at your own risk. We assume no responsibility for anything you do. These recipes are disgusting and you should probably not ever eat them.
However, if you want to share them with a friend, then that would be hilarious. At least you can joke about it as you sip on your fine wine and real food.
But whatever you do – don’t knock the Ramen. You know we all survived on Ramen Noodles!!
This can be you.